Another reason Yahoo mail sucks...

Man, I feel like the pc is out to sabotage me. I checked my old yahoo email on the actual pc instead of my phone, and there were all these emails from Daddy, as well as SOOOO many newsletters and such dating back to like the middle of 2016. As though I hadn't checked the emails or deleted them. WRONG!!! Not only that over 100 were listed as unread. Which is wrong as well. So then I started sifting thru them, Yahoo doesn't allow you to sort by the sender name-another reason I don't use it often anymore, and I got to 700+ emails ready to delete when the pc FREAKS OUT, blanks out my page that I'd been working on and says it's been compromised. UUUUUGH. So I call hubs, he says run the AVG thing and the anti-spyware, which is gonna take a couple hours. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. Ok, fine. So I went in the next room & "read" game of thrones while listening to the audiobook on my phone. SNOOZE. What a boring book. Worse than LOTR. The best part was waking up to all 3 pets on or near me. That's a good nap. I woke just after 2 pm, played on my phone for the better part of an hour and a half, then got up to get ready to pick up the Kraken.

Fast Forward until about 7pm. So, I get back to the pc, call hubs, we talk it out I do what he says then restart the pc. A bit later I'm back on the inbox. There were easily over 100 emails just from Daddy. Now, You may be thinking "aw that's sweet, like a message from the beyond" but I'm gonna stop you there. Daddy wasn't known to email people to chat or catch up or impart family or personal news. He WAS known to hit the FWD button on just about each and every email that came across HIS inbox. Political especially. So what I have is now a folder chock full of Trump-supporting-Obama-bashing-right-wing-just-short-of-fanatical forwards. UGH. Well, and some funnies, some inspiring, some religious. You get the gist. He was known in life as quite the orator, so for him to be so point-and-click in his older years was baffling to me. He was also an ALL CAPS KIND OF GUY. I love my dad, and miss him terribly. I can't bear to delete his phone number (or my sister and bro-in-law who passed in previous years), I will likely hang on to countless photos, letters, cards, just because he wrote them. Just because it's the last remnants of the love my dad showed me. While talking about his penchant for forwards, my sister and I were talking and she said "Hey, he is one of few men of his generation even WILLING to attempt electronic communication. So if he wanted to send me that stuff, at least he tried. He was sending it because he wanted us to see it." Which of course you can't argue with. You can, but him being gone and all, just makes it harder. It's weird though. I could have sworn those emails were either filed away or deleted. Most of them I tended to delete if it was prefaced with FWD in the subject line. He almost never added his own little message. So, either the inbox wanted to make the pc flip out, or it wanted to sabotage my day, and send me into an over-emotional tailspin. Well guess what, yahoo, YOU LOST.

It could have been way worse.

Bittersweet...

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotion, mostly good. I woke feeling mildly crappy. I've worried I'm coming down with a cold.  I had a headache & felt that weird thickness in my throat. So after dropping the Kraken at school I went back to bed. Got up & made an omelette then Biggun brought me a coffee. Then hung out,  picked up Kraken & sold more crack, I mean,  girl scout cookies.  🙄 couple hours later,  Scott from Blue Star Sports calls & says they love me & wanna offer me the job!!! YAY!!!! Less than a month & have a great offer! ELATED... a weight off my shoulders. Then,  Kraken gives me her report card,  ALL A's!! SOOO thrilled for her.  Evening wears on, talking to friends &family about the job.  Making plans for my last unencumbered week. Wrapped the evening up, then sitting here on my bed, watching Paul bluray, look over & see my dad's funeral program. That right there.  I can't call daddy to tell him about this exciting new life chapter. And that makes me sadder than I've been in a while.  I shared with my sisters,  but I can't call my dad. I know he knows,  watching from above & proud, but I'd love to have him back. I don't regret missed opportunities with him, just him.  His voice, his dad jokes, the bad songs,  the unconditional love I always felt. This sucks more than I ever imagined.

My World Is Changed...

I didn't even know I still had this blog. I guess it's a good thing it's still here. It's been forever since I posted. I guess I haven't really needed it, not many thoughts that were important enough to warrant writing in a diary, which this isn't much more than.

When last I wrote, I had a job I pretty much hated, I had a really young one and a high schooler. Now my really young one is a school year and a half away from Junior High and my high schooler is a college woman. I still had a living parent and I was for the most part content in my home.

October 2016 started some of the biggest changes in years. 1st, I was laid off. Not an unhappy thing, as I was REALLY hating my job and praying for a layoff. I did get a very generous severance and instead of "separated" I am deemed "retired." That comes from being fully vested with a 20 year history at the same company. Well, that severance has officially ended, so I'm once again searching for employment. Yes, I should have looked earlier. I took advantage of the free time given to spend some time as a SAHM and help the Biggun with her senior year, also be more available to the Kraken. After Biggun's grad, we trekked to NY to attend her cousin's grad, and threw in some sightseeing while in the area. GREAT idea, it was a whirlwind 10 days, but worth every penny and hour behind the wheel. (though now the cost of my new set of 4 tires hurts!) While at Niagara, Daddy took a VERY sharp and sudden turn for the worse. He had been in the hospital for a few days, and wasn't getting any oxygen, and unresponsive. Almost ruined the beauty of Niagara. Being the loyal catholics we are, once the Maid of the Mist returned to port, we stopped, huddled up and said a prayer. A few minutes later, we got a call that he was back in the land of the conscious. A few days later we stopped to drop off one of my sisters and stopped to see him on our way out of town. All was MUCH better, and he went home the next day. ***HOWEVER*** that was to be the last time he would ever see the inside of that home. The same day he went home, he fell and broke his hip. The ambulance took him right back to the same hospital he had left hours before. He had surgery July 3, and then spent the next 3 months attempting at recovery and mobility. By the end of September, he said aloud that he'd had enough. He was taken to the oncology wing, a DNR on his wrist. October 1, 2017 was the last day I saw or spoke to my father. He passed relatively quietly 2 days later, with my sister there to say the last goodbye. I feel secure that I have had closure, I don't feel like I missed anything by not being there. I got to see him and say goodbye, unlike when mom died. The following weekend, we had the most perfect service to honor him. It was wonderful. Seeing faces I have known all my life, seeing people I didn't know, or at least not well, come and give me condolences and telling stories of their experiences with Daddy. It was cathartic and so full of love and cherished memories, laughter and hope. The oddest thing was when we pulled up at the cemetery, I happened to look out the window to see my mother's parents' headstone. I haven't seen that headstone in person since 1987 at Grandma's funeral. It was very strange and lovely. Like they were sending me a message. And for Galveston, despite the heat, it was a beautiful day. We had a small bar's worth of beer and wine, including the beer run we went on later, because of course, we're catholic, and that's how we send off our people--with booze. I wasn't hammered, it was too sweaty for that, but I got a tad fuzzy. We hung out at Ryders like summer evenings of my childhood. Even the garage smells the same. It took me back to the 70s, and I got to share that with my husband and kids. That was a beautiful thing. But the funny thing is, I haven't really cried since then. There have been brief moments, but no gut-wrenching sobs (as I say this, my nose is way plugged, my eyes very wet, tears staining and stinging my cheeks, and my shirt is damp). Not until this evening.   See, I have this birdfeeder. Fairly simple, open the top, pour the seed in, put the top back on and hang on the hook, right outside the office window where the cat's "tree" sits. They love watching those birds eat, drives them crazy and entertains the hell out of me! Well, lately, I've seen this beautiful little red cardinal. I'm not sure where or when I heard it, but it was recent, that if you see a red cardinal, the spirit world is signaling you or trying to contact you, or maybe a loved one. I've seen him at least twice, just sitting in the bushes in front of our house, along with some other cardinals and doves. This morning, I saw him as I went into the powder room. Just sitting. So I've taken to saying "Hi Daddy. I miss you." when I see him. Just seems fitting. When mom passed, I had an encounter in the apartment I was living in. We had a ghost, I'm certain of it. There were SO MANY signs that I eventually would talk to "her" when we were alone, like when I put Biggun down to sleep. I never found out who she was, but shortly after mom died, she woke me up from a rather awful nightmare. I saw a shadowy outline of her face against the blinds, but only for a moment as I was coming out of sleep. In a moment, she was gone. Well, not gone. Just not visible. She comforted me in a moment of fright, and comforted me knowing she was watching over me and my small child. She could have been mom that night, but she'd been there since before mom passed, so I doubted it was mom. She was someone else, but a lady who talked to my toddler and reassured me that we wouldn't be harmed, but that we were being looked after. When we moved, I had trouble sleeping. She wasn't with me anymore.But I'll never forget her, or what she did for me that night. I have felt like that since, when our cat, Leia, died. She died in the house, and we've had moments where we've felt or heard her. She used to jump on the bed with me at night. After she died, she still did a few times. Not as much since the boys were given to me. I think she approves though, because these cats are just as sweet as she was. I think she must have helped me train them in a way.Well, after Daddy's funeral, came B's grandfather. He'd suffered with Alzheimer's for several years, and since Grandma had been gone over a year, he finally joined her. He was a very sweet man, and we'll miss him. I'm sad that my Kraken didn't get to know him more. He didn't really know who she was, as he'd already started getting sick when she arrived. Once his parents split up, we didn't get down there as often as he did with his travel, but they had forgotten who I was, and they'd known me 20 years. How could they recall my girls? At least they're no longer in pain, they are with their loved ones, Grandma probably has her hearing again (maybe she's not so noisy up there? ;op)...Grandpa maybe driving his trucks. That service was FAST... Faster than Grandma's it seemed. Maybe it just seems that way since we drove down and back the same day.

So, after that, B and I vacationed in Colorado, whose mountains have stolen my heart. It let me board the plane without it. I've had those mountains in my brain ever since. We're talking about moving there eventually, though probably not before Kraken finishes elementary school. Also probably not before Biggun moves out on her own. I have my heart set on Colorado Springs, or Manitou Springs, either will be fine with me. For now, I search for work HERE. And we'll be slowly purging the superfluous CRAP that has filled our home for 12 years. Started already, but I wasted a buttload of time. I probably could have had the cars back in the garage if not for my lazy ways. UGH. It'll be done. Not right now with temps in the TEENS. 16* right now, not including wind chill. My feet have been cold ALL DAY LONG. Despite my socks and slippers. Only another day or two of this and then temps will be back in the 70s, which I'm both looking forward to and NOT looking forward to. I hate that winter is so flaky here. We never get a *proper* winter. We get a couple days in the 30s here and there then mostly 40s/50s. The 2 winter storms that were predicted totally passed us over here. Austin and Houston got snow that SHUT SCHOOLS and businesses down. We got a smattering of sleet, which only accumulated in corners. I should be grateful, because the roads were totally clear, but in my heart, I wanted that snow day so I could shut off the alarm and not get up to take Kraken to school. Oh well. I survived. That seat heater is certainly a blessing. Tomorrow (today?) morning will be worse, then the mercury will start climbing again. This overnight and one or two more below freezing before a warm up. Please LORD don't let me get sick. Although, better now than later if I'm offered a job... that would suck ASS to have to postpone starting work because of the flu.

So, I guess I need to go to bed already, seeing as I have an interview in 10 hours. I feel fairly confident, though still a little jittery. Though that might be the temperatures making me shiver. Thanks for letting me ramble....

Freaked out and Small

idk why I picked that title. A borrow from a P.U.S.A. album.  But I AM a little freaked out. We are talking about moving. Out of the house we've lived in for 9 years, our first home. The only home the Kraken has ever known. But, we're doing it for 3 pretty major reasons.
1. Downsizing. We want, no NEED, to downsize. We need to gut this place of the CRAP we have accumulated over 9 years. We need to sell some crap, give some away, "thin the herd" as it were. At one point we were overflowing with (unwanted) furniture. We thinned that, but not enough. MIL and FIL started bringing all their crap over here 6 years ago when they moved, and for some reason, their son, my husband, couldn't or wouldn't tell them no. Moving on. We also have some stuff my family has given me, some living room stuff that we just don't use/want/need anymore.
2. School zoning. Last school year at this time, it was announced that our house would be included (as well as most of our sub-d) in a high school rezoning which took my oldest to a brand new (beautiful IMHO) high school, yet, away from her best friend and boyfriend. The latter two I wasn't terribly worried about, but still. You don't move into a home where you can SEE the school from your front yard and think "by the time my kid's old enough, she'll move to a different school further away." Nope, it was ridiculous, raged over by many parents and students alike, yet, all the raging against the local machine was to no avail. The zoning happened. She is less unhappy than she thought she'd be, but still pining for her previous HS. Also, she seems to be doing rather well this year. It's early, but last year she was BARELY hanging on. Time will tell.
3. Last and most important: MONEY. That's always the clincher, isn't it? Well, it's a sellers market right now, with few homes on the market in this area, the ones that do go up, get snatched pretty quickly. We are thinking "sell as high as we can, get into smaller more affordable home (even apt maybe), then pay off debt if we have enough left over. At least if we can't pay off debt after that, we can at least pay less per month on the home and start paying more to get extraneous debt paid off faster, and then start putting $ away for the kids' college.

I've downloaded the Zillow app, and already found some promising items, most within a mile and zoned for the schools we WANT. Here's hoping. Fingers x'ed....

Peace...

My heart hurts...

I haven't written in this blog in YEARS... nearly 4. But I really felt compelled to find the signon and get in here.  My 3 year old daughter is plagued with nightmares about monsters and dinosaurs that "rawr in her face," and I feel totally and utterly helpless. I don't know if she's just resistant to try, or totally unwilling to, but whenever she does wake up from a nightmare, she becomes nearly inconsolable, and sometimes won't even let ME help her. She'll cry for her aunt (who is living with us temporarily), or for her daddy, and when those days come, she will barely even allow me to touch her, let alone hug her to tell her it's alright and that nothing can hurt her in her own home. We keep telling her 'monsters aren't real, dinosaurs aren't real' and that she can change her dreams, that she can use what she calls her "pink powers" to change what she's dreaming about to overcome the baddies or to just make it a more pleasant dream. Nonetheless, here I sit, benched. I feel like I know the winning play and the coach won't wave me in. I have tried all the tricks I used with her sister and nothing will help. I don't know if it's something she has to work thru on her own, or just something she, for whatever reason, refuses to let go of, but it's KILLING ME. I hate that she has nightmares, and I hate that I can't help her get over them. I hate that my beautiful silly and amazingly weird baby girl can't or WON'T let me in to help her get rid of the torturous thoughts that plague her subconscious. I understand that children are far more affected by nightmares as adults, and I had my own recurring theme to my nightmares as a kid. I feel like I've been there. But she's not taking the advice, not taking my loving hugs. I go in to console, and she flails and gets out of my loving grasp, only to back herself into fetal position in a corner. Is there something WRONG in my little girl's mind, or is this just something she must work out on her own? Why does one kid easily move on from scary nightmares when another is battling the same monsters night after night, only to have them come back again? I remember having recurring nightmares about alligators coming to get me. However, in the end, my mom and dad were ALWAYS there to save me. I honestly don't remember waking up screaming, if my parents came in my room to comfort me, or how the nightmares finally stopped, but they did somehow. Later I would go thru a series of Devil related nightmares. They were never the same nightmare twice, but always the same story. Devil, coming to get me. I would try to scream and it was impossible, I would try to move, to wake up my husband, and I couldn't. I would eventually wake up and scoot under his protective arm, whether he woke or stayed asleep, and they would subside. For a while, then they would come back. Eventually those, too, gave way and stopped. Thankfully-I really hated those. The alligators were something else entirely. One time I was walking holding mom and dad's hand on the fairway of the golf course that was behind our house, and they suddenly lifted me up by my arms and an alligator glided (with wheels for feet) under me and between them. No, I don't understand why or what it meant. I was 5. I do know they all eventually stopped. No more recurring nightmares (unless you count work dreams-those are nightmarish enough!), just the occasional crime drama tv show or horror movie induced freak out, nothing I couldn't wake up from and either giggle at the sheer weirdness or shudder at the "wow, the really freaky part is, that COULD happen."  I just feel like my hands are tied and I CAN'T help her. and that's what really hurts. I can't help my little baby. I want to so bad, but I can't.

I worry for the future... mine and others'

First and foremost on my worry front... we are starting a new financial chapter in our 15 year marriage-the uber-budget. We have recently come to realize a few things about ourselves... we are stupid, we have made 19 zillion bad choices, and we have to change. NOW. Upon the birth of our second gorgeous daughter, Zoe, we have realized that we don't have enough money to send her to day care. Which, to everyone's chagrin, we have borrowed some money from my dad to tide us over until we work out our budget and begin this journey down a new and scary path. The path will be a good one, eventually, but will be rough for a while. We have become followers of Dave Ramsey, who "preaches" (for lack of a better word) debt-free living, INCLUDING a home. The benefit and beauty of paying for things with CASH, and the stress that you leave behind when you make your money work for you, instead of living paycheck to paycheck, which is what we've done. The first scary thing I did was to remove the line of credit we have had for a few years as Overdraft Protection. This was rather freaky for me. We've used this account for the past 8 years, in good times and in bad. It's at a balance of $0, but hasn't been for very long, and I have toyed, on and off, with the idea of getting rid of it. I don't mind it. I applied for it years ago to keep as ODP, and felt like it was a good thing to have. The only thing I didn't like was the 14% interest rate, but because it was helping me avoid fees, I was ok with it. After hearing Dave's audio book, Total Money Makeover, I am sold that it is a BAD thing. Credit has made my life a living hell, created major arguments with my husband, and made me look like a slight failure in the eyes of my dad, which SUCKS. This small loan from Daddy is the 2nd time we've borrowed from him to make ends meet, and it will be the last. We will make and stick to a budget, we will pay of our ONLY credit card, and we will get out of debt once and for all. It will take time, patience, a lot of humility and prayer, and ramen. Yes, I will likely have to suck it up and eat the cheap nasty stuff once again. At least we know how to dress it up and disguise it as something better. Thank heaven for seasonings and veggies! I am scared, freaked, mad at us, depressed, worried, and excited, all at the same time. Taking stock of decisions you've made over time is a very sobering experience, especially if 90 % of the decisions you've made financially have been bad ones. I can recall a few times we were just on the cusp of getting rid of the credit card bills, then something always came up and fucked us up. OK, we fucked up by allowing ourselves to use the damn things. I can blame no one but BJ and myself. But, we're taking that blame and channelling our anger at ourselves into a constructive, albeit lengthy, corrective measure. I am excited to begin, and hoping against hope that we will be able to conquer the problems that have plagued us, sooner rather than later.

Now, my worry for others. My 18 year old niece is pregnant. That's not the bad part. Well, not the WORST part. No, we're not terribly pleased by this. But, again, not the worst part. The worse part is the guy (no, even though he's 21, I refuse to call him a man) that she chose to allow this to happen with. He is the embodiment, with the exception that I never got prego, of my former, Eric. I blogged over a year ago via myspace, in dedication to 3 of my nieces who were of Jr and Sr high ages, to NOT let guys get in the way. To not fall for their crap, and most of all to finish college, at the very least a bachelors. I fell for Eric in college, dropped out and supported his ass, and all he gave me was hyper-controlling behavior, bitching that I never cooked, put his mother and sister over me, and robbed me of my self-esteem for 2.5 years. It was gradual but empowering nonetheless. By the end, I realized that I deserved better, that I had wasted time, wasted my love on someone who didn't really love me back, no matter how he protested, and allowed all this to happen out of fear of being alone. I never did live alone, but I have to say, I'd much rather live with someone than totally alone. I moved back to my parent's house, then started seeing Brandon, we got engaged, then married and now it's been 15 years. I am happy, have 2 beautiful daughters, and still love him very much. He treats me with dignity, respect, and loves me for exactly what I am already. I can only hope that Jorie will not marry this ass clown that knocked her up, as he can only bring her lies, deceit and debt. And if she marries him, she will not finish school. She seems to have made a good choice to continue to live with her aunt (my sister), as Monica has offered her the place in her home, and Jorie really could not have a better role model in her life. Monica made some stupid choices herself, but has since moved to remedy that. Due to poor credit choices herself, she has no cards, and bad credit, but since receiving an inheritance, no longer needs it, pays cash for everything, and doesn't have to worry about that anymore. She is in the process of a divorce, a rather amicable one, since she already knows he has nothing, she's not asking for anything except her kids, which she already has. He has very little ground to stand on in asking for custody, therefore, he's being smart in not asking. All who divorce should hope to proceed that smoothly. But Jorie... I worry for her and her unborn son. She has now tied herself for the rest of her life to this loser who obviously does not love her, who does not respect her, and likely will not help her financially with this child. Monica is doing a HUGE thing by allowing her to live with her family, free of charge, and without asking her to really contribute. She has helped her get a job (which surprisingly she took), as have I. I have offered to recommend her for a teller job. Sure, not much, but it's a good start for a school going mother to be. Great benefits, banker's hours, holidays off, etc. But she wasn't interested. Surprising, but yet not so much. She is very lazy, much like her mother, my other sister. She doesn't want to DO anything, she wants things done for her. I am hoping to appeal to her better judgment and convince her to avoid credit cards and try to get her to budget, as we will do. I can see her taking either a path to financial ruin, like her parents are doing, or heeding my words and taking the path of paying with cash, saving for things, budgeting, and NOT getting into the nasty buy-now-pay-later credit habit. We are STILL paying... dearly. I hate that Brandon and I came to this so late in life, when we could have been smart and have everything by now. Money is the BIGGEST obstacle that we have encountered, and it's about the only thing we really fight over. It keeps me up at night, and makes me worry and freak. I hate that money rules the world, and sometimes really wish that we had lived in the days of bartering. Oh to be Amish in these economical times!! They know how to farm, build, sew, etc. everything they need, they make for themselves.

Well... I've run out of track for my train of thought, as it's midnight... I'm tired, cold, and a little bit sad. so I'll say good night...

When did life decide to suck...

OK, the title belies my true feelings. LIFE does not suck. I love my life, that is, my life away from work. So, when did work become so horrible? I guess when it became necessary? I am being forced to return to a job I hate so I can afford to live in the house I do, eat the food to sustain me and my family, drive the car to get me to the job I hate, and leave my kids with strangers for 8+ hours a day so I can go to the job I hate. How backward is this...