I worry for the future... mine and others'

First and foremost on my worry front... we are starting a new financial chapter in our 15 year marriage-the uber-budget. We have recently come to realize a few things about ourselves... we are stupid, we have made 19 zillion bad choices, and we have to change. NOW. Upon the birth of our second gorgeous daughter, Zoe, we have realized that we don't have enough money to send her to day care. Which, to everyone's chagrin, we have borrowed some money from my dad to tide us over until we work out our budget and begin this journey down a new and scary path. The path will be a good one, eventually, but will be rough for a while. We have become followers of Dave Ramsey, who "preaches" (for lack of a better word) debt-free living, INCLUDING a home. The benefit and beauty of paying for things with CASH, and the stress that you leave behind when you make your money work for you, instead of living paycheck to paycheck, which is what we've done. The first scary thing I did was to remove the line of credit we have had for a few years as Overdraft Protection. This was rather freaky for me. We've used this account for the past 8 years, in good times and in bad. It's at a balance of $0, but hasn't been for very long, and I have toyed, on and off, with the idea of getting rid of it. I don't mind it. I applied for it years ago to keep as ODP, and felt like it was a good thing to have. The only thing I didn't like was the 14% interest rate, but because it was helping me avoid fees, I was ok with it. After hearing Dave's audio book, Total Money Makeover, I am sold that it is a BAD thing. Credit has made my life a living hell, created major arguments with my husband, and made me look like a slight failure in the eyes of my dad, which SUCKS. This small loan from Daddy is the 2nd time we've borrowed from him to make ends meet, and it will be the last. We will make and stick to a budget, we will pay of our ONLY credit card, and we will get out of debt once and for all. It will take time, patience, a lot of humility and prayer, and ramen. Yes, I will likely have to suck it up and eat the cheap nasty stuff once again. At least we know how to dress it up and disguise it as something better. Thank heaven for seasonings and veggies! I am scared, freaked, mad at us, depressed, worried, and excited, all at the same time. Taking stock of decisions you've made over time is a very sobering experience, especially if 90 % of the decisions you've made financially have been bad ones. I can recall a few times we were just on the cusp of getting rid of the credit card bills, then something always came up and fucked us up. OK, we fucked up by allowing ourselves to use the damn things. I can blame no one but BJ and myself. But, we're taking that blame and channelling our anger at ourselves into a constructive, albeit lengthy, corrective measure. I am excited to begin, and hoping against hope that we will be able to conquer the problems that have plagued us, sooner rather than later.

Now, my worry for others. My 18 year old niece is pregnant. That's not the bad part. Well, not the WORST part. No, we're not terribly pleased by this. But, again, not the worst part. The worse part is the guy (no, even though he's 21, I refuse to call him a man) that she chose to allow this to happen with. He is the embodiment, with the exception that I never got prego, of my former, Eric. I blogged over a year ago via myspace, in dedication to 3 of my nieces who were of Jr and Sr high ages, to NOT let guys get in the way. To not fall for their crap, and most of all to finish college, at the very least a bachelors. I fell for Eric in college, dropped out and supported his ass, and all he gave me was hyper-controlling behavior, bitching that I never cooked, put his mother and sister over me, and robbed me of my self-esteem for 2.5 years. It was gradual but empowering nonetheless. By the end, I realized that I deserved better, that I had wasted time, wasted my love on someone who didn't really love me back, no matter how he protested, and allowed all this to happen out of fear of being alone. I never did live alone, but I have to say, I'd much rather live with someone than totally alone. I moved back to my parent's house, then started seeing Brandon, we got engaged, then married and now it's been 15 years. I am happy, have 2 beautiful daughters, and still love him very much. He treats me with dignity, respect, and loves me for exactly what I am already. I can only hope that Jorie will not marry this ass clown that knocked her up, as he can only bring her lies, deceit and debt. And if she marries him, she will not finish school. She seems to have made a good choice to continue to live with her aunt (my sister), as Monica has offered her the place in her home, and Jorie really could not have a better role model in her life. Monica made some stupid choices herself, but has since moved to remedy that. Due to poor credit choices herself, she has no cards, and bad credit, but since receiving an inheritance, no longer needs it, pays cash for everything, and doesn't have to worry about that anymore. She is in the process of a divorce, a rather amicable one, since she already knows he has nothing, she's not asking for anything except her kids, which she already has. He has very little ground to stand on in asking for custody, therefore, he's being smart in not asking. All who divorce should hope to proceed that smoothly. But Jorie... I worry for her and her unborn son. She has now tied herself for the rest of her life to this loser who obviously does not love her, who does not respect her, and likely will not help her financially with this child. Monica is doing a HUGE thing by allowing her to live with her family, free of charge, and without asking her to really contribute. She has helped her get a job (which surprisingly she took), as have I. I have offered to recommend her for a teller job. Sure, not much, but it's a good start for a school going mother to be. Great benefits, banker's hours, holidays off, etc. But she wasn't interested. Surprising, but yet not so much. She is very lazy, much like her mother, my other sister. She doesn't want to DO anything, she wants things done for her. I am hoping to appeal to her better judgment and convince her to avoid credit cards and try to get her to budget, as we will do. I can see her taking either a path to financial ruin, like her parents are doing, or heeding my words and taking the path of paying with cash, saving for things, budgeting, and NOT getting into the nasty buy-now-pay-later credit habit. We are STILL paying... dearly. I hate that Brandon and I came to this so late in life, when we could have been smart and have everything by now. Money is the BIGGEST obstacle that we have encountered, and it's about the only thing we really fight over. It keeps me up at night, and makes me worry and freak. I hate that money rules the world, and sometimes really wish that we had lived in the days of bartering. Oh to be Amish in these economical times!! They know how to farm, build, sew, etc. everything they need, they make for themselves.

Well... I've run out of track for my train of thought, as it's midnight... I'm tired, cold, and a little bit sad. so I'll say good night...

When did life decide to suck...

OK, the title belies my true feelings. LIFE does not suck. I love my life, that is, my life away from work. So, when did work become so horrible? I guess when it became necessary? I am being forced to return to a job I hate so I can afford to live in the house I do, eat the food to sustain me and my family, drive the car to get me to the job I hate, and leave my kids with strangers for 8+ hours a day so I can go to the job I hate. How backward is this...

OMG the DRAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMAAAAAA

Before you dive into this rather long rant, please note that this is really meant more of a venting, diary-type thing. For this reason, I'm not allowing comments. Thanks for reading if you do!

OK, Being born one of six kids shouldn't be without drama. But, consider, I am one of six GIRLS. Yes, there's DRRAAAAAAMMMMMAAAAA. And plenty of it. Most recently, sister #5 has her panties in a rather sizeable wad over being "excluded." OK, let's see, really, this all started in September with CW's passing, when she was told by several people not to go visit, not that she COULD NOT go, but that she SHOULD not go, because sister #2 (the widow of said bro-in-law) 1) doesn't like her much and 2) didn't need HER visit. I know, it sounds like I'm being catty, and maybe if I stepped back a few hundred paces, you might be right. But I'm just spilling it like it is....ulcer and all. Patti has always felt like the 'picked on' sister, she was the youngest for 9 years before I came along, and was picked on by the older 4 for much of the time. That picking, which held little consequence because she was such a hellion (I'm going on stories from elders here), really screwed with her psyche and turned her into the spiteful self-involved person she is today. I have lichened it to a person wearing blinders with mirrors--not only does she NOT see the people around her, but she gets to only look at herself-just the way she likes it.
OK, well, after the incident with her not being "allowed" to go to say goodbyes or to "help," she got pissed. She didn't take it as "Well, maybe Laura has enough on her plate and she needs as little outside interference as possible," she saw it as "Well, no one is letting me go! Why should THEY go and I have to stay home???" Wasn't about Laura or CW, when that is exactly why she shouldn't go.

Now, flash forward a few months from September to December.... since then, the sister that lives in the same city, Monica, has had little interaction with her, mainly because she sees now how Patti has been ALL THESE YEARS which she didn't see until Patti moved away for 3 years. Now that she's back and even worse than before, Monica has had enough and doesn't want to be around her. Then Marcia made plans with her family to come for Christmas and stay with Monica. Then Laura made the same plans, again, with Monica. Then I made MY plans to stay with Monica. Let's see, that's Monica and her family of 4, Marcia and her family of 4, Laura, me and my daughter in ONE HOUSE. 11 total. When Patti's house had 6 people, 2 of which were almost never around, either working, or out with friends. Patti *assumed* that Syd and I were staying with them, until I got there and dumped my crap at Monica's, then promptly got her pouty face on. She came over for dinner that Friday, ate a little, played cards a little, then in the MIDDLE of the card game, and WAY earlier than her normal M.O., left at 9:30pm, saying goodnight to nary a person in the house. Usually, she stays until most of Monica's house is ready for bed or headed there... especially when family is in town. She ITCHES to be part of the party, and can't stand it when it's not centered around her. Case in point.... Saturday night, we had a belated Christmas party (at her house), and once dinner and the frenzy of unwrapping was done, plopped her pissy butt on her sofa, and every time the phone rang, shouted out "SOMEONE ANSWER THAT!!!" Which, I don't think anyone did answer.... it's not our house, get off your ass, you lazy hostess! Whatever... After gorging on appetizers of taco salad layered dip, guacamole and queso dip and chips, Laura and I took our niece Sammi for a walk around the neighborhood to walk off some of the misery of too-full bellies. It was productive... and then returning, she was exactly where we'd left her, all piss and vinegar that no one was spending the night with her, except for my daughter, who of course spent her time with her daughter, Jane. The next night was Sammi's birthday and party, so Marcia and our families vacated to allow the teens to take over for a few hours. We packed up the cars and went to Patti's, and a short time later, we 3 families headed to Chuck E (or YUCKY) Cheese to allow the kids some steam-blowing fun and pizza. That was Sunday night. Patti, Marcia and I were sitting manning the "token station" of our table, and Patti asked point blank why I had stayed over there when she had plenty of room and Monica was bursting at the seams. I politely avoided by saying that I'd made my plans way in advance, and that was it. No excuse, no truthful-hurtful thing said. It was true, that I'd made my plans way in advance, like a month or two months in advance, but she doesn't need to hear me say "because we don't like it at your house" and she won't admit that her husband doesn't like me much. Believe me, THAT does not keep me up at night. If Keny was outward in saying he didn't like me, it would be a relief. Because then I'd know with certainty that I wasn't welcome, and it would be a lot less awkward. (Apparently, like 13 years ago when we borrowed his truck to MOVE things, we scratched it up. Whatever-he's as selfish as she is.) But, we maintain our polite distance, go about our own little things, avoiding one another.

And if that's just the icing on the cake, she has 1 kid out of high school and off at college, another about to graduate this year then go off to college, and 2 kids in elementary school, so otherwise preoccupied for the day. Why OMG WHY is it impossible for her to get a job and work? Even part time? She has no little ones at home during the day, she has tennis, and other classes, and she says mountains of cleaning and laundry. Well, I will attest to the laundry and cleaning that is there for her to do, but she's not doing it as well as a "housewife" for lack of a better word should. I'm sorry, my mother worked until she got married to Daddy in 1956. After that, she had part-time work once I went to school. There was nothing wrong in HER head, and she kept her home a hell of a lot cleaner than Patti does. There were no MOUNTAINS of laundry... she did a load every day if not every other day. She did her dishes, she did her toilets (or had us do them once old enough-that meant at 5 yrs old we were helping with stuff). Patti has not taught her 2 little ones to HELP. They barely keep their rooms clean, they found a MOUSE in her younger son's room! Lord only knows what lured that little thing up to his room.... her older daughter has called her lazy to her face, has griped at her asking why she can't get up and help her dad by earning money. It makes me sad, but it does not surprise me.

That being purged from my thoughts...it makes me sad that her kids have little or no discipline and will not appreciate her later in life, for overindulging them. They won't be brought up to appreciate the over-consumerism that has FLOODED their house, they'll be disdainful when she tells them they can't have something. Then, the kid in question will call their grandmother and get it from her.

I feel blessed that I did have a lucky childhood, I was spoiled. But, I was also denied things (not necessities, of course, but the frivolous like, say, the expensive 'cool' jeans) and taught to respect money, where things came from, and how we came to have them. I got storebought clothing, my sisters got clothing my mom sewed, or hand-me-downs of purchased items, not only from the older sisters, but from our COUSINS, too. By the time I came around, there was no one to get hand-me-downs from... it was all out of style! But, yes, I got a hand-me-down bike, skates, toys, etc. Again, I was spoiled in terms of me and my sisters, but I appreciated what I got, and was taught to understand and not throw away my money on crap. My Christmas this year cost maybe $200 for everything. There were HUNDREDS of dollars worth of Apple hardware floating around that house to be unappreciated, including a Nintendo Wii and games to play on it. The sad part is, they'll destroy that system and then get mad when it doesn't work anymore for them.

I guess, it's just hard when you see a person in such a large family that no one really wants to be around. No, I'm wrong, not A person, a group of people.

Bad Daddy and Mean Mommy come as a match set

When did bathing become such a despicable thing? In her nearly 9 years, my daughter has gone thru some brief moments in her young life where she would balk at the notion of getting clean. But lately, that is, for the last year (give or take a few weeks), she has RESISTED with all her little might this thing that I enjoy, as well as others-the bath. OK, she's 8, she showers. She is told to get in the tub, which involves the grown-up version. But she fights me tooth and nail on this single seemingly menial task. She fights me, she fights her dad, she fights any adult who tells her she must. We get hit in the face with a very hearty "WHYEEEEEEEEEEE?" or "I just took a bath YESTERDAY!" which is 99.5% untrue-usually it's been at least one FULL day in between today and her last bath. I don't have a problem with her avoiding when it's been cold, or rainy and she hasn't gone outside, or she hasn't done anything in particular that would cause her to break a sweat in any way. But, when I pick her up with disheveled hair, sweaty at the roots, her back is moist with perspiration, I must insist on some soap and water. I know full well when the last day she bathed was, yet she insists I'm wrong and keeps pushing me. Mostly I find it humorous, which makes it even more difficult until the point of breaking then I just get aggravated and then flat out mad. And when she finally relents (and usually does-Mom has an iron will), she STOMPS up the stairs, slamming doors and objects on her way, which btw, usually takes a full 15 minute interlude of abstract busy-ness before we hear the rushing of water thru the pipes. Usually when met with this sort of resistance, I am in the house alone with her, her daddy being at work. No problem. I don't usually have a problem eventually getting her to bend to my wishes. I am, afterall, the parent here-No shoeprints on my back. (Update-I hear the water! It's only been 5!) I hate having to make BJ be the badguy, but it's just so damn effective. BJ showed her "Bad Daddy" a year or so ago when we were getting this type of resistance and she was pushing even farther. Bad Daddy reared and scared her. No, nothing happened to warrant a phone call to 911 or CPS, but she saw in her daddy's eyes as he got in her face just how much he meant business. Now all it takes is the mere mention of bad daddy and she's off and running. I hope Bad Daddy's credit holds firm with her. Well, today, I tried to call BJ, meeting the voicemail, I texted him. Asked him to tell her that Sunday was the last day she got a bath. A single word would have sufficed... I got the following (verbatim) "BAD DADDY SAYS LISTEN 2 YOUR MOM! SHOWER NOW!" Thank you, Bad Daddy. It wasn't much help, but it shows her that Bad Daddy and Mean Mommy come as a match set. Bad Daddy and Mean Mommy talk. I mean REALLY T-A-L-K. We talk about her. If we disagree on something disciplinary, we do not (or try not) to make it known in her presence. I have always felt that he and I have to be a united front where our child(ren?) is concerned. It's been a mission of mine, when she tries to play us off each other, to keep the even keel. I have seen how an un-united couple can really be fucked down the line when dealing with their kids.

I have seen it in my own family, and laughed behind my sister's back when she gets her kids to do NOTHING for her. The 2nd of her 4 sees that she is lazy, and apparently has called her out, telling her to get a job. The younger 2 are in grade school, so there's no reason she COULDN'T, she just won't. When her kid tried to play me for a sucker, I didn't back down, and took away from him (at my house anyway) the one thing that he wanted-television. He didn't know how to deal with that and kept trying to plead with me to let him watch this one movie he had his eye on. Whether he finally got to see it or not, he didn't watch it at MY house while he was visiting.

Back to my own little problem... Syd is a GREAT kid. She's happy, loving, SMART, thoughtful, and oh so sweet. She thinks of others, not just herself, though in a pinch she'll win over others in her realm. She is empathetic, and helpful. Except at bath time. That is the SINGLE hardest she pushes back... Even homework isn't hard to get her to complete, though if I mention she's made an error, she SNATCHES the page out of my hand-which bothers the HELL out of me. We're working on it. She has some interrupting issues to work on, too, she's in no way perfection. But all in all, she's a very well behaved child. I love her like crazy and wouldn't trade her for anything, but dammit, the girl gets stinky! As for me, I wouldn't trade my daily shower for anything either....

it could have been Rats Asshole

People suck. Ok, not all people, but a vast majority. Case in point.... last Tuesday. I had remembered that I left my lunch in our team's mini fridge as I was leaving last Friday. On Monday, I forgot and brought more food, but Tuesday morning, I was leaving the house to come to work, and remembered "Hey, I still have that lunch there, so I don't need to bring another today." And that was the last I thought of it.... until I went to lunch and delved into the fridge...NO lunch. My crappy little lean cuisine was GONE. The really shitty part is that it was someone from my TEAM. I don't know who, and I didn't make an issue of it-it's only a crappy frozen meal, and none of my plastic containers lost or whatever. But that meant I had to spend money, and I don't like to have to spend money. So, off I go to the snack shop across the canal from our offices... to Chicken Tetrachloride. Well, tetrazzini, really, but tetrachloride gives the proper description. Bland, not very healthy save for the salad they included in the "meal deal," and not very appetizing. I guess it could be worse, it could have been Rats Asshole, but they had just ran out of that before I got there, I guess. Too bad, it might have tasted better...

...if you look carefully enough, you can see my panties...

**Update 1/2/08.... This was written just a few days PRIOR to my becoming pregnant!! OK, I got the bike, but now I can't freakin' USE IT?? ARGH!!! OK, I'm not THAT upset about the reason, we have been trying for four YEARS... but it's just one of God's little jokes he likes to play.... I'm due in August... Please pray for my sanity! and my waistline!!!



At what point do you solidify your resolve, get your ass off the couch and say "I will not RIP another pair of pants!"?

Well, today is my breaking point. My pants did not rip at the traditional seam, but in the front, next to the pocket. In a seemingly solid pair of jeans. Though, I've had these a year or so, they are cheapies, and not beloved or favorite by any means, just a pair of jeans I wear. Well, here I am at work, talking to a caller, when I look down and DAMMIT... a rip. Not only that, but if you look carefully enough, you can see my panties. Easy, guys, it's not as sexy as it sounds. Luckily for me, you HAVE TO look very carefully, and the color of them is close to my jeans. Also luckily, I have jackets here to cover until I can get home and ditch the ruined pair.

So, the breaking point. Not of the jeans, but of my complacency with my larger-than-I'd-like ass. I'm tired of being tired, of waking up feeling drained, of feeling stressed out all the time. My breaking point actually came a week or so ago, when I learned that I am heavier than someone in my life that I should never have been close to in weight except by maybe 30 or so lbs. This is just God gently reminding me to do something about it.

For my husband who will invariably read this-I am buying a bike. This weekend. I have wanted one for a long time, and I am not picky-the cheap $50 bike at Wally will serve my purpose. It's not like it's an $800 Bianchi at a specialty bike shop. I NEED this. For my health, my self esteem-MY PANTS. I have about 6 pair of pants (maybe more) in my closet that I SHOULD be able to wear, but for my lack of willpower of the last 2 years I have not been able to. I am angry. Not at anyone else other than myself. I have a closetful of cute clothing, and the only thing I can do with them is look at them, and think how cute I will look. Well, there needs to be something done about it, and I'm the only one who has the final word.

I felt AWESOME when I was exercising on an almost daily basis. When I would skip, I would feel like crap. I was waking up on my own almost without an alarm, going to sleep naturally and STAYING asleep, which I had not experienced in years. I LOVED it. I loved the attention my shapely form was getting, which hubby reaped the end benefits from. *wink*

I am now heavier than I was before I started the diet in the first place. So, in one respect, the beraters of the Atkins diet are right... you CAN gain back all and then some of what you lose. The trick-and I firmly believe this-is that you KEEP GOING. It should not be viewed as a DIET, but a lifestyle eating change. Dietary Change. That is all. It's not meant to MAKE YOU SKINNY, it's meant to retrain you to eat right, and ease you back to eating a normal, balanced diet. That is, if you do it right, and stick with it THROUGH the end. I am not certain if I will go on that dietary plan or not yet. But I do recall that the one key to all this that made the difference for me was EXERCISE....

I'm just about out of time for now... I will return...

k, I'm back, I'm at home, happily with my comfort food of a Frapp, which I resolve I will not have again for QUITE some time. Starkist Tuna here I come, right? LOL.

Before I resume my blog, I'd like to warn you that I am feeling more than a little bit sorry for myself at the moment, as there are SO many reasons that this comfort drink is needed...So, I may start to wallow, whine, and feel MORE sorry for myself...

OK, back to my train that was previously derailed.... Exercise. I miss the feeling I had when I was exercising regularly. I LOVED feeling happy more often than sad, I loved feeling energy I forgot I could have, I loved feeling GREAT about the way I looked, as well as that feeling like it was an accomplishable goal, and that I had accomplished a LOT. And I had. I had been at a weight I hadn't seen in 10 years, felt great, looked great, my acne cleared up, No more bags or circles under my eyes.... I didn't realize that exercise wasn't the "four letter word" I had thought it was over the years. The dullness that you imagine from the treadmill.. UGH, no wonder people can't stick to that. Neither could I. Gets too boring, which means I won't do it. I need to get OUT... get to know the streets... first on a bike, then maybe on my inlines, then when I get some of this shit off my butt, I may be able to walk without feeling shitty later.

So, now I must rephrase my previous sentence. I don't WANT a bike, I NEED a bike. For my sanity, for my ass, my LUNGS (asthma sucks).

My self-esteem has met the toilet, it's living there right now, and hates the accomodations (pun intended). Happy Dani would like to come out to play again...

...or throw the occasional spoon...

Fourteen years. It's a short lifespan in terms of a single human being, long for animals. But what about marriages? We did meet 16 years ago, started seeing each other about a year later... then 15 months after that got married.... 14 years ago today. Not long, really, but also a bit of a lifespan. At least by today's standards. Not too many people, I think, really gave us a fighting chance. Oh, they married too young, too quickly... etc. I even got one that said "Wow, she must have jumped in the sack pretty quickly." Ok, well, that was the ex who was vindictive, but still... here I am 14 years later... still together, and still HAPPY. I think it may have been about this time when Mom and Dad's marriage started to go south. They never divorced-I don't think that Daddy would have done that-but they were not very happy together for as far back as I can remember. From what I've been told, it was when we lived in Dallas when I was a baby and toddler that the marriage went sour. I recall them being affectionate, and Daddy would buy her nice gifts and other things for gifty times, but they were NOTHING like Brandon and I are... I am so thankful!

I don't know if I could live that way... such a loveless life would suffocate me, I think. I am very lucky to have found someone so unlike me and so like me in a single person. So much in common, yet just different enough to make things interesting and keep the fire going. And our fire is banked for the long haul. There are always moments that you may want to tear the other's head off, or throw the occasional spoon, but then you have those moments when your heart aches when they're due home and they're 15 or so minutes late and you don't know why... then the garage door goes up, your heart skips that beat, and all is right again with the world. Munchkin-the product of your love for each other-happily asleep upstairs, you chillin with the kitties on the sofa watching your fave show, then he walks in to complete the picture. You heave a large sigh of relief that you are still not a widow, and proceed to hug and kiss your hellos and why-didn't-you-call-me's.

So, now I sit, at the pc, a kitty at my feet, and listening to my husband of 14 years helping our 8 year old doing her math homework. Nothing else in the world matters to me...

Today his present, aside from some lovely roses and carnations when I got home from work, was to bring me lunch at work. As time neared for me to take my lunch (my bossman2 let me take my later break at the end of my lunch so I'd have a little extra time-thanks Kelsey!), I felt my hands start to sweat... What the hell am I, 15? Well, OK, it WAS warmer than usual in our office, but still, my heart was leaping with anticipation of just seeing this person I have shared so much with, so much I still have to share with, so much I still WANT to share. So much not yet done together. and yet, so much we have done.

So, to all those naysayers and just plain assholes that didn't give the two of us more than 6 months to a year.... Well..,. sorry... I'm busy with my husband of FOURTEEN YEARS. In your face!!!

Brandon... I can't imagine life without you by my side... I don't want to, it would just plain suck. I love you...