...or throw the occasional spoon...

Fourteen years. It's a short lifespan in terms of a single human being, long for animals. But what about marriages? We did meet 16 years ago, started seeing each other about a year later... then 15 months after that got married.... 14 years ago today. Not long, really, but also a bit of a lifespan. At least by today's standards. Not too many people, I think, really gave us a fighting chance. Oh, they married too young, too quickly... etc. I even got one that said "Wow, she must have jumped in the sack pretty quickly." Ok, well, that was the ex who was vindictive, but still... here I am 14 years later... still together, and still HAPPY. I think it may have been about this time when Mom and Dad's marriage started to go south. They never divorced-I don't think that Daddy would have done that-but they were not very happy together for as far back as I can remember. From what I've been told, it was when we lived in Dallas when I was a baby and toddler that the marriage went sour. I recall them being affectionate, and Daddy would buy her nice gifts and other things for gifty times, but they were NOTHING like Brandon and I are... I am so thankful!

I don't know if I could live that way... such a loveless life would suffocate me, I think. I am very lucky to have found someone so unlike me and so like me in a single person. So much in common, yet just different enough to make things interesting and keep the fire going. And our fire is banked for the long haul. There are always moments that you may want to tear the other's head off, or throw the occasional spoon, but then you have those moments when your heart aches when they're due home and they're 15 or so minutes late and you don't know why... then the garage door goes up, your heart skips that beat, and all is right again with the world. Munchkin-the product of your love for each other-happily asleep upstairs, you chillin with the kitties on the sofa watching your fave show, then he walks in to complete the picture. You heave a large sigh of relief that you are still not a widow, and proceed to hug and kiss your hellos and why-didn't-you-call-me's.

So, now I sit, at the pc, a kitty at my feet, and listening to my husband of 14 years helping our 8 year old doing her math homework. Nothing else in the world matters to me...

Today his present, aside from some lovely roses and carnations when I got home from work, was to bring me lunch at work. As time neared for me to take my lunch (my bossman2 let me take my later break at the end of my lunch so I'd have a little extra time-thanks Kelsey!), I felt my hands start to sweat... What the hell am I, 15? Well, OK, it WAS warmer than usual in our office, but still, my heart was leaping with anticipation of just seeing this person I have shared so much with, so much I still have to share with, so much I still WANT to share. So much not yet done together. and yet, so much we have done.

So, to all those naysayers and just plain assholes that didn't give the two of us more than 6 months to a year.... Well..,. sorry... I'm busy with my husband of FOURTEEN YEARS. In your face!!!

Brandon... I can't imagine life without you by my side... I don't want to, it would just plain suck. I love you...

What? ANOTHER visit?

OK, 3 short weeks ago, we took Stel to the vet for her round of vac's. We all know how that ended.... not well, but the end of the day we were all fine. Well, I had scheduled another visit for yesterday, and promptly FORGOT... maybe it was because the reminder call went to my HUSBAND and not me... Well, whatever. He told me about it, but I still forgot. Appt was at 5:15, and I remembered promptly at 6! Called, rescheduled for this morning, which I did make it to. So, I get in, the girl starts asking me if I wanted to start her on an anti-flea/heartworm med...um, NO... she's an indoor cat, she'll be fine... really, it's more a matter of money. I just don't have it. So, maybe another time. So... we get weighed, then into the examroom. More waiting... like any doctor office on the earth. Get there on time so you can wait...

Doc comes in (the other doc that works parttime-we met him when Lukety was in the hospital with his renal failure-nice guy), she's back in the box because she's wiggly and anxious. I open it up and he sees her and immediately swoons over how cute she is, then pets her and says how silky her fur is... instant smitten. All goes well, he pokes around her gently, listens to the heart and lungs, just not near as invasive as last time, then drips the pink stuff in her nose and gives her the shot at her shoulders. A cheap visit this time $36 only, but he says, OK, we'll see you in another 3 weeks for her next round... ummm, WHAT? I was told this would be the last for a while? Well, hell... either I was misinformed 3 weeks ago, or today, and it miffs me. I love her and I want her to be healthy, but damn... why the hell can't this be done LESS often...

I love having my kitties around and can't imagine not having them here with me, I love the connection, the instant love, the unconditionality of it all. But don't ever think that a "free kitten" is actually going to be FREE. Just could not be further from the truth. Animals are wonderful to have around, studies have shown that they have a very calming effect on their humans, lower blood pressure, and whatnot. And enjoyable to play with and watch the silly things they do. They love you just for being present in their lives (that is, if you don't hurt them!), and give their love without any reason needed. They just love. And in return, we *should* repay them with love, pets, food, water and a healthy and SAFE home. I mean, would you give away your love if you were being smacked, kicked, or worse? No. But we can SAY something about it... they cannot. So, we must speak FOR them, make sure they are healthy, safe, fed, clean poo box, etc.

And we must do everything we can to KEEP them healthy, including vet visits. I just hate the feeling that I get when I go, thinking that this is the last time for a year, then being told it's not. That she needs to come back in 3 more weeks. I just feel like I'm being lied to and strung along financially....

ARGH. At least there's no Barfy Sue or Lady Poos Alot.

Were they really expendable?

My question of the day is simply "Why?" I try and try to figure that out but somehow I pretty much never have all the facts, and then fall short of the answer. I can't answer why my friend was fired. I can't answer why no one else in the company will hire me for jobs I could do with my hands and feet tied together. I can't answer why things seem so very precarious, why I feel so expendable. Why the team feels expendable. Why it seems as though Bossman is trying to either make us quit or dig reasons to axe. Sorry, "Bossman" sounds almost like a superhero. Neither a hero, nor a super villain. Decent human, crappy diplomacy. And an ever-changing pendulum swinging mood.

This all makes me think that I made some amazingly foolish choices when presented with job opportunities in the past. Seems every time a less-than-appealing job came up, I was hesitant, because I didn't want THAT job, or I was waiting for something else. Or there were personal reasons that a job switch just wasn't in the cards at the time. It just makes me wonder how my work life might be different had this or that been different, or if I'd made a slightly different choice at certain professional crossroads in the past.

I know, the past is past and it should be moved on from. Well, yes, to a degree, but aren't we meant to LEARN from our pasts, and that of others? Or am I the 'warning to others' of bad things? That's how I feel at the moment. Stuck in this job that I loathe and have for at least 3 years now (more likely longer than 3), and trying to stick it out for just 3 MORE years until a certain loan is paid off which will then feel more like I've been released from a contract (or maybe prison). Man, Blockbuster sucked, but that was the hours and other retail bullshit you end up dealing with in a job like that. I tried to go back once, maybe twice, in a "back end" capability, but it just never did work out right. And my commute does not help to make it any happier. Sure, I have 45 minutes to my self each way, sure I have a good stereo and a seeming endless supply of tunes. But 30 MILES one way, x2 per day, x5 each week.... (300 miles a week for those mathematically challenged). All I can say to the notion of my drive each morning and afternoon is AAAARRRGGGHHH! or simply 'groan.' At the risk of sounding like I'm manic/depressive or just plain teetering, the mere thought of my job makes me want to cry. It's no longer enjoyable at all, save for the brief moments of levity thanks to my coworkers. But when the levity leaves the area? Despair sets in. And sure, I know that whenever a door is closed, a window is opened. Well, I can't fucking find my window, and the door has nearly been shut. So while I plod along at this loathesome daily undertaking, I try-TRY-to take some comfort in that I have a home, a job, food on my table and clothes on my back. Yes, I do have that, and more, but what makes things so miserably worse is the thought that though I have the DESIRE to go back to school, to get the parchment I should have gotten 12 years ago, to do worthwhile things with my time, I don't have the financial ability to leave. IF I were to consider some other undertaking, I will either take a sizeable pay cut, or worse, going back to school and having NO other income, falling behind and eventually losing everything? No, it's just not an option for me. At least not right now. I know there's something waiting for me out there that will make me so much happier, something that I could do in spite of not having a degree, and something close to home, but for the life of me, it's hiding.

The calm before the storm

Holidays are coming up. It is October, which only means one thing to any kid on earth: HALLOWEEN! While it is good fun, this begins a season of PURE STRESS for me.... Holidays are full of happiness, for certain, but the stress is a rather large source of dread for me, especially since my work life is stressful enough! The onset of fall means school's back in session, the State Fair (ugh-I HATE the fair--I'm a crowd-phobe when it comes to that), and then Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Sydney's b-day, all back to back, all in rapid-fire succession, or so it would seem. Five major holidays or events, right in a row, not even mentioning that we have a SLEW of family and friends with birthdays in that timeframe, too. Sorry to all of you for my lack of acknowledgement-it's certainly not on purpose!!!


That said... Thanksgiving is starting to become a favorite of mine. I had a great childhood-the holidays (all the holidays) were usually spent with my big-ass family coming together at our house, my 5 sisters, their husbands, kids, DOGS, etc. They were happy times, met with good fun, games, teasing, and lots of love. I am happy to pass that feeling onto my girlie with Thanksgiving.


I remember the Thanksgivings we used to have, the fancy china (once, maybe twice a year tops being used), the crystal glasses (or at least the nice glass ones), the leaf put into the HUGE dining table my parents had, and crap chairs added all around so we could SQUEEZE as many people around it as possible. The littler kids always got the breakfast room, anyway, or served earlier. Turkey, cornbread dressing (mom's signature), can-shaped cranberry sauce, green beans, corn, salad, and bread-lots and lots of bread! Usually topped off with at least 2, sometimes 3 pies (always usually apple, cherry and pecan), with ice cream... mmmmm. Good times! After that, a Longhorn game (always!), and some pool, ping pong, trivial pursuit, uno, and/or pictionary. Kids running around outside, inside, yelling, screaming, playing ball, swinging, whatnot. The stuff kids DO. Sometimes a sisterly argument, but those were usually reserved for Christmas time... somehow, Thanksgiving was too short for people to get THAT pissed over. But all in all, all I remember is the table and everyone gathered and happy. A good thing that I do appreciate.


Well, I don't have a leaf for my table, but we break out the folding one, slap a tablecloth on it and we're good to go. The past 2 years, Thanksgiving has been had HERE, at my house. Brandon's parents and Uncle Darrell, my sisters Laura and Monica and their families, first year, Matt and his kids. The first year, I think we had upwards of 30 people here (including us)! It was a fun time, GREAT food, and we decided to do the same the following year. Not as many people in '06, but still a good time was had. For whatever reason, God decided that you just can't be unhappy with a belly full of turkey, dressing and cranberries. That's cool with me!

This year, I hope, will be no different. I suppose I have to cave and cook up my brine turkey this time... Not a problem... tho I need a new bucket for brining.... My jalapeno-cornbread stuffing has usually made a very good impression. I also have a few other standard sides in my arsenal to make any stomach growl upon sight. Desserts for me are less traditional, as I have made Key Lime pies, chocolate bread pudding, and others. I usually tell people "if there's something you want, bring it. I don't read minds!" Not in the pissy way that sounds, just in the "whatever" sort of way. There are some who prefer uber-traditional foods, the pecan or pumpkin pies, apple, cherry, peach. Cobbler, or otherwise. I like to expose my palate to different tastes, and like to cook away from the same-old-same-old. If there was ever a time when someone said to me "Why don't you just make the REGULAR Thanksgiving dinner and dessert?" I think I'd have to throw in the spatula. That's boring. I mean, while I had great memories, don't you get tired of the same food every year? Why NOT change it up, throw some new things into the mix? While experimenting does not always go as planned (mom's ONE attempt at brussel sprouts when horribly wrong from what I've been told), it can reap MAJOR rewards and you could find yourself a new fave. The first year I did Thanksgiving dinner, someone brought corn pudding, a recipe received from a co-worker. It wasn't awful, but it just didn't quite work, and most of it went down the drain. Not usually something you say about corn.... I know! But it just wasn't great. Not good enough for leftovers. Had there actually been ROOM in the fridge, it would have been the kind of leftover that becomes a lab experiment-that sadly would never be graded!

So, now I'm left with the anxiety and anticipation that the Holidays brings... hopefully they'll lift my mood out of the recent swamp of CRAP that I've been in for a week or so now...

**note: if this sounds like it ended abruptly, please forgive me. I started writing this 2 days ago and life got in my way of finishing... some trains of thought just never come back around the track... ;o)