I worry for the future... mine and others'

First and foremost on my worry front... we are starting a new financial chapter in our 15 year marriage-the uber-budget. We have recently come to realize a few things about ourselves... we are stupid, we have made 19 zillion bad choices, and we have to change. NOW. Upon the birth of our second gorgeous daughter, Zoe, we have realized that we don't have enough money to send her to day care. Which, to everyone's chagrin, we have borrowed some money from my dad to tide us over until we work out our budget and begin this journey down a new and scary path. The path will be a good one, eventually, but will be rough for a while. We have become followers of Dave Ramsey, who "preaches" (for lack of a better word) debt-free living, INCLUDING a home. The benefit and beauty of paying for things with CASH, and the stress that you leave behind when you make your money work for you, instead of living paycheck to paycheck, which is what we've done. The first scary thing I did was to remove the line of credit we have had for a few years as Overdraft Protection. This was rather freaky for me. We've used this account for the past 8 years, in good times and in bad. It's at a balance of $0, but hasn't been for very long, and I have toyed, on and off, with the idea of getting rid of it. I don't mind it. I applied for it years ago to keep as ODP, and felt like it was a good thing to have. The only thing I didn't like was the 14% interest rate, but because it was helping me avoid fees, I was ok with it. After hearing Dave's audio book, Total Money Makeover, I am sold that it is a BAD thing. Credit has made my life a living hell, created major arguments with my husband, and made me look like a slight failure in the eyes of my dad, which SUCKS. This small loan from Daddy is the 2nd time we've borrowed from him to make ends meet, and it will be the last. We will make and stick to a budget, we will pay of our ONLY credit card, and we will get out of debt once and for all. It will take time, patience, a lot of humility and prayer, and ramen. Yes, I will likely have to suck it up and eat the cheap nasty stuff once again. At least we know how to dress it up and disguise it as something better. Thank heaven for seasonings and veggies! I am scared, freaked, mad at us, depressed, worried, and excited, all at the same time. Taking stock of decisions you've made over time is a very sobering experience, especially if 90 % of the decisions you've made financially have been bad ones. I can recall a few times we were just on the cusp of getting rid of the credit card bills, then something always came up and fucked us up. OK, we fucked up by allowing ourselves to use the damn things. I can blame no one but BJ and myself. But, we're taking that blame and channelling our anger at ourselves into a constructive, albeit lengthy, corrective measure. I am excited to begin, and hoping against hope that we will be able to conquer the problems that have plagued us, sooner rather than later.

Now, my worry for others. My 18 year old niece is pregnant. That's not the bad part. Well, not the WORST part. No, we're not terribly pleased by this. But, again, not the worst part. The worse part is the guy (no, even though he's 21, I refuse to call him a man) that she chose to allow this to happen with. He is the embodiment, with the exception that I never got prego, of my former, Eric. I blogged over a year ago via myspace, in dedication to 3 of my nieces who were of Jr and Sr high ages, to NOT let guys get in the way. To not fall for their crap, and most of all to finish college, at the very least a bachelors. I fell for Eric in college, dropped out and supported his ass, and all he gave me was hyper-controlling behavior, bitching that I never cooked, put his mother and sister over me, and robbed me of my self-esteem for 2.5 years. It was gradual but empowering nonetheless. By the end, I realized that I deserved better, that I had wasted time, wasted my love on someone who didn't really love me back, no matter how he protested, and allowed all this to happen out of fear of being alone. I never did live alone, but I have to say, I'd much rather live with someone than totally alone. I moved back to my parent's house, then started seeing Brandon, we got engaged, then married and now it's been 15 years. I am happy, have 2 beautiful daughters, and still love him very much. He treats me with dignity, respect, and loves me for exactly what I am already. I can only hope that Jorie will not marry this ass clown that knocked her up, as he can only bring her lies, deceit and debt. And if she marries him, she will not finish school. She seems to have made a good choice to continue to live with her aunt (my sister), as Monica has offered her the place in her home, and Jorie really could not have a better role model in her life. Monica made some stupid choices herself, but has since moved to remedy that. Due to poor credit choices herself, she has no cards, and bad credit, but since receiving an inheritance, no longer needs it, pays cash for everything, and doesn't have to worry about that anymore. She is in the process of a divorce, a rather amicable one, since she already knows he has nothing, she's not asking for anything except her kids, which she already has. He has very little ground to stand on in asking for custody, therefore, he's being smart in not asking. All who divorce should hope to proceed that smoothly. But Jorie... I worry for her and her unborn son. She has now tied herself for the rest of her life to this loser who obviously does not love her, who does not respect her, and likely will not help her financially with this child. Monica is doing a HUGE thing by allowing her to live with her family, free of charge, and without asking her to really contribute. She has helped her get a job (which surprisingly she took), as have I. I have offered to recommend her for a teller job. Sure, not much, but it's a good start for a school going mother to be. Great benefits, banker's hours, holidays off, etc. But she wasn't interested. Surprising, but yet not so much. She is very lazy, much like her mother, my other sister. She doesn't want to DO anything, she wants things done for her. I am hoping to appeal to her better judgment and convince her to avoid credit cards and try to get her to budget, as we will do. I can see her taking either a path to financial ruin, like her parents are doing, or heeding my words and taking the path of paying with cash, saving for things, budgeting, and NOT getting into the nasty buy-now-pay-later credit habit. We are STILL paying... dearly. I hate that Brandon and I came to this so late in life, when we could have been smart and have everything by now. Money is the BIGGEST obstacle that we have encountered, and it's about the only thing we really fight over. It keeps me up at night, and makes me worry and freak. I hate that money rules the world, and sometimes really wish that we had lived in the days of bartering. Oh to be Amish in these economical times!! They know how to farm, build, sew, etc. everything they need, they make for themselves.

Well... I've run out of track for my train of thought, as it's midnight... I'm tired, cold, and a little bit sad. so I'll say good night...