Man, I feel like the pc is out to sabotage me. I checked my old yahoo email on the actual pc instead of my phone, and there were all these emails from Daddy, as well as SOOOO many newsletters and such dating back to like the middle of 2016. As though I hadn't checked the emails or deleted them. WRONG!!! Not only that over 100 were listed as unread. Which is wrong as well. So then I started sifting thru them, Yahoo doesn't allow you to sort by the sender name-another reason I don't use it often anymore, and I got to 700+ emails ready to delete when the pc FREAKS OUT, blanks out my page that I'd been working on and says it's been compromised. UUUUUGH. So I call hubs, he says run the AVG thing and the anti-spyware, which is gonna take a couple hours. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. Ok, fine. So I went in the next room & "read" game of thrones while listening to the audiobook on my phone. SNOOZE. What a boring book. Worse than LOTR. The best part was waking up to all 3 pets on or near me. That's a good nap. I woke just after 2 pm, played on my phone for the better part of an hour and a half, then got up to get ready to pick up the Kraken.
Fast Forward until about 7pm. So, I get back to the pc, call hubs, we talk it out I do what he says then restart the pc. A bit later I'm back on the inbox. There were easily over 100 emails just from Daddy. Now, You may be thinking "aw that's sweet, like a message from the beyond" but I'm gonna stop you there. Daddy wasn't known to email people to chat or catch up or impart family or personal news. He WAS known to hit the FWD button on just about each and every email that came across HIS inbox. Political especially. So what I have is now a folder chock full of Trump-supporting-Obama-bashing-right-wing-just-short-of-fanatical forwards. UGH. Well, and some funnies, some inspiring, some religious. You get the gist. He was known in life as quite the orator, so for him to be so point-and-click in his older years was baffling to me. He was also an ALL CAPS KIND OF GUY. I love my dad, and miss him terribly. I can't bear to delete his phone number (or my sister and bro-in-law who passed in previous years), I will likely hang on to countless photos, letters, cards, just because he wrote them. Just because it's the last remnants of the love my dad showed me. While talking about his penchant for forwards, my sister and I were talking and she said "Hey, he is one of few men of his generation even WILLING to attempt electronic communication. So if he wanted to send me that stuff, at least he tried. He was sending it because he wanted us to see it." Which of course you can't argue with. You can, but him being gone and all, just makes it harder. It's weird though. I could have sworn those emails were either filed away or deleted. Most of them I tended to delete if it was prefaced with FWD in the subject line. He almost never added his own little message. So, either the inbox wanted to make the pc flip out, or it wanted to sabotage my day, and send me into an over-emotional tailspin. Well guess what, yahoo, YOU LOST.
It could have been way worse.
22 January 2018
18 January 2018
Bittersweet...
Today has been a rollercoaster of emotion, mostly good. I woke feeling mildly crappy. I've worried I'm coming down with a cold. I had a headache & felt that weird thickness in my throat. So after dropping the Kraken at school I went back to bed. Got up & made an omelette then Biggun brought me a coffee. Then hung out, picked up Kraken & sold more crack, I mean, girl scout cookies. 🙄 couple hours later, Scott from Blue Star Sports calls & says they love me & wanna offer me the job!!! YAY!!!! Less than a month & have a great offer! ELATED... a weight off my shoulders. Then, Kraken gives me her report card, ALL A's!! SOOO thrilled for her. Evening wears on, talking to friends &family about the job. Making plans for my last unencumbered week. Wrapped the evening up, then sitting here on my bed, watching Paul bluray, look over & see my dad's funeral program. That right there. I can't call daddy to tell him about this exciting new life chapter. And that makes me sadder than I've been in a while. I shared with my sisters, but I can't call my dad. I know he knows, watching from above & proud, but I'd love to have him back. I don't regret missed opportunities with him, just him. His voice, his dad jokes, the bad songs, the unconditional love I always felt. This sucks more than I ever imagined.
17 January 2018
My World Is Changed...
I didn't even know I still had this blog. I guess it's a good thing it's still here. It's been forever since I posted. I guess I haven't really needed it, not many thoughts that were important enough to warrant writing in a diary, which this isn't much more than.
When last I wrote, I had a job I pretty much hated, I had a really young one and a high schooler. Now my really young one is a school year and a half away from Junior High and my high schooler is a college woman. I still had a living parent and I was for the most part content in my home.
October 2016 started some of the biggest changes in years. 1st, I was laid off. Not an unhappy thing, as I was REALLY hating my job and praying for a layoff. I did get a very generous severance and instead of "separated" I am deemed "retired." That comes from being fully vested with a 20 year history at the same company. Well, that severance has officially ended, so I'm once again searching for employment. Yes, I should have looked earlier. I took advantage of the free time given to spend some time as a SAHM and help the Biggun with her senior year, also be more available to the Kraken. After Biggun's grad, we trekked to NY to attend her cousin's grad, and threw in some sightseeing while in the area. GREAT idea, it was a whirlwind 10 days, but worth every penny and hour behind the wheel. (though now the cost of my new set of 4 tires hurts!) While at Niagara, Daddy took a VERY sharp and sudden turn for the worse. He had been in the hospital for a few days, and wasn't getting any oxygen, and unresponsive. Almost ruined the beauty of Niagara. Being the loyal catholics we are, once the Maid of the Mist returned to port, we stopped, huddled up and said a prayer. A few minutes later, we got a call that he was back in the land of the conscious. A few days later we stopped to drop off one of my sisters and stopped to see him on our way out of town. All was MUCH better, and he went home the next day. ***HOWEVER*** that was to be the last time he would ever see the inside of that home. The same day he went home, he fell and broke his hip. The ambulance took him right back to the same hospital he had left hours before. He had surgery July 3, and then spent the next 3 months attempting at recovery and mobility. By the end of September, he said aloud that he'd had enough. He was taken to the oncology wing, a DNR on his wrist. October 1, 2017 was the last day I saw or spoke to my father. He passed relatively quietly 2 days later, with my sister there to say the last goodbye. I feel secure that I have had closure, I don't feel like I missed anything by not being there. I got to see him and say goodbye, unlike when mom died. The following weekend, we had the most perfect service to honor him. It was wonderful. Seeing faces I have known all my life, seeing people I didn't know, or at least not well, come and give me condolences and telling stories of their experiences with Daddy. It was cathartic and so full of love and cherished memories, laughter and hope. The oddest thing was when we pulled up at the cemetery, I happened to look out the window to see my mother's parents' headstone. I haven't seen that headstone in person since 1987 at Grandma's funeral. It was very strange and lovely. Like they were sending me a message. And for Galveston, despite the heat, it was a beautiful day. We had a small bar's worth of beer and wine, including the beer run we went on later, because of course, we're catholic, and that's how we send off our people--with booze. I wasn't hammered, it was too sweaty for that, but I got a tad fuzzy. We hung out at Ryders like summer evenings of my childhood. Even the garage smells the same. It took me back to the 70s, and I got to share that with my husband and kids. That was a beautiful thing. But the funny thing is, I haven't really cried since then. There have been brief moments, but no gut-wrenching sobs (as I say this, my nose is way plugged, my eyes very wet, tears staining and stinging my cheeks, and my shirt is damp). Not until this evening. See, I have this birdfeeder. Fairly simple, open the top, pour the seed in, put the top back on and hang on the hook, right outside the office window where the cat's "tree" sits. They love watching those birds eat, drives them crazy and entertains the hell out of me! Well, lately, I've seen this beautiful little red cardinal. I'm not sure where or when I heard it, but it was recent, that if you see a red cardinal, the spirit world is signaling you or trying to contact you, or maybe a loved one. I've seen him at least twice, just sitting in the bushes in front of our house, along with some other cardinals and doves. This morning, I saw him as I went into the powder room. Just sitting. So I've taken to saying "Hi Daddy. I miss you." when I see him. Just seems fitting. When mom passed, I had an encounter in the apartment I was living in. We had a ghost, I'm certain of it. There were SO MANY signs that I eventually would talk to "her" when we were alone, like when I put Biggun down to sleep. I never found out who she was, but shortly after mom died, she woke me up from a rather awful nightmare. I saw a shadowy outline of her face against the blinds, but only for a moment as I was coming out of sleep. In a moment, she was gone. Well, not gone. Just not visible. She comforted me in a moment of fright, and comforted me knowing she was watching over me and my small child. She could have been mom that night, but she'd been there since before mom passed, so I doubted it was mom. She was someone else, but a lady who talked to my toddler and reassured me that we wouldn't be harmed, but that we were being looked after. When we moved, I had trouble sleeping. She wasn't with me anymore.But I'll never forget her, or what she did for me that night. I have felt like that since, when our cat, Leia, died. She died in the house, and we've had moments where we've felt or heard her. She used to jump on the bed with me at night. After she died, she still did a few times. Not as much since the boys were given to me. I think she approves though, because these cats are just as sweet as she was. I think she must have helped me train them in a way.Well, after Daddy's funeral, came B's grandfather. He'd suffered with Alzheimer's for several years, and since Grandma had been gone over a year, he finally joined her. He was a very sweet man, and we'll miss him. I'm sad that my Kraken didn't get to know him more. He didn't really know who she was, as he'd already started getting sick when she arrived. Once his parents split up, we didn't get down there as often as he did with his travel, but they had forgotten who I was, and they'd known me 20 years. How could they recall my girls? At least they're no longer in pain, they are with their loved ones, Grandma probably has her hearing again (maybe she's not so noisy up there? ;op)...Grandpa maybe driving his trucks. That service was FAST... Faster than Grandma's it seemed. Maybe it just seems that way since we drove down and back the same day.
So, after that, B and I vacationed in Colorado, whose mountains have stolen my heart. It let me board the plane without it. I've had those mountains in my brain ever since. We're talking about moving there eventually, though probably not before Kraken finishes elementary school. Also probably not before Biggun moves out on her own. I have my heart set on Colorado Springs, or Manitou Springs, either will be fine with me. For now, I search for work HERE. And we'll be slowly purging the superfluous CRAP that has filled our home for 12 years. Started already, but I wasted a buttload of time. I probably could have had the cars back in the garage if not for my lazy ways. UGH. It'll be done. Not right now with temps in the TEENS. 16* right now, not including wind chill. My feet have been cold ALL DAY LONG. Despite my socks and slippers. Only another day or two of this and then temps will be back in the 70s, which I'm both looking forward to and NOT looking forward to. I hate that winter is so flaky here. We never get a *proper* winter. We get a couple days in the 30s here and there then mostly 40s/50s. The 2 winter storms that were predicted totally passed us over here. Austin and Houston got snow that SHUT SCHOOLS and businesses down. We got a smattering of sleet, which only accumulated in corners. I should be grateful, because the roads were totally clear, but in my heart, I wanted that snow day so I could shut off the alarm and not get up to take Kraken to school. Oh well. I survived. That seat heater is certainly a blessing. Tomorrow (today?) morning will be worse, then the mercury will start climbing again. This overnight and one or two more below freezing before a warm up. Please LORD don't let me get sick. Although, better now than later if I'm offered a job... that would suck ASS to have to postpone starting work because of the flu.
So, I guess I need to go to bed already, seeing as I have an interview in 10 hours. I feel fairly confident, though still a little jittery. Though that might be the temperatures making me shiver. Thanks for letting me ramble....
When last I wrote, I had a job I pretty much hated, I had a really young one and a high schooler. Now my really young one is a school year and a half away from Junior High and my high schooler is a college woman. I still had a living parent and I was for the most part content in my home.
October 2016 started some of the biggest changes in years. 1st, I was laid off. Not an unhappy thing, as I was REALLY hating my job and praying for a layoff. I did get a very generous severance and instead of "separated" I am deemed "retired." That comes from being fully vested with a 20 year history at the same company. Well, that severance has officially ended, so I'm once again searching for employment. Yes, I should have looked earlier. I took advantage of the free time given to spend some time as a SAHM and help the Biggun with her senior year, also be more available to the Kraken. After Biggun's grad, we trekked to NY to attend her cousin's grad, and threw in some sightseeing while in the area. GREAT idea, it was a whirlwind 10 days, but worth every penny and hour behind the wheel. (though now the cost of my new set of 4 tires hurts!) While at Niagara, Daddy took a VERY sharp and sudden turn for the worse. He had been in the hospital for a few days, and wasn't getting any oxygen, and unresponsive. Almost ruined the beauty of Niagara. Being the loyal catholics we are, once the Maid of the Mist returned to port, we stopped, huddled up and said a prayer. A few minutes later, we got a call that he was back in the land of the conscious. A few days later we stopped to drop off one of my sisters and stopped to see him on our way out of town. All was MUCH better, and he went home the next day. ***HOWEVER*** that was to be the last time he would ever see the inside of that home. The same day he went home, he fell and broke his hip. The ambulance took him right back to the same hospital he had left hours before. He had surgery July 3, and then spent the next 3 months attempting at recovery and mobility. By the end of September, he said aloud that he'd had enough. He was taken to the oncology wing, a DNR on his wrist. October 1, 2017 was the last day I saw or spoke to my father. He passed relatively quietly 2 days later, with my sister there to say the last goodbye. I feel secure that I have had closure, I don't feel like I missed anything by not being there. I got to see him and say goodbye, unlike when mom died. The following weekend, we had the most perfect service to honor him. It was wonderful. Seeing faces I have known all my life, seeing people I didn't know, or at least not well, come and give me condolences and telling stories of their experiences with Daddy. It was cathartic and so full of love and cherished memories, laughter and hope. The oddest thing was when we pulled up at the cemetery, I happened to look out the window to see my mother's parents' headstone. I haven't seen that headstone in person since 1987 at Grandma's funeral. It was very strange and lovely. Like they were sending me a message. And for Galveston, despite the heat, it was a beautiful day. We had a small bar's worth of beer and wine, including the beer run we went on later, because of course, we're catholic, and that's how we send off our people--with booze. I wasn't hammered, it was too sweaty for that, but I got a tad fuzzy. We hung out at Ryders like summer evenings of my childhood. Even the garage smells the same. It took me back to the 70s, and I got to share that with my husband and kids. That was a beautiful thing. But the funny thing is, I haven't really cried since then. There have been brief moments, but no gut-wrenching sobs (as I say this, my nose is way plugged, my eyes very wet, tears staining and stinging my cheeks, and my shirt is damp). Not until this evening. See, I have this birdfeeder. Fairly simple, open the top, pour the seed in, put the top back on and hang on the hook, right outside the office window where the cat's "tree" sits. They love watching those birds eat, drives them crazy and entertains the hell out of me! Well, lately, I've seen this beautiful little red cardinal. I'm not sure where or when I heard it, but it was recent, that if you see a red cardinal, the spirit world is signaling you or trying to contact you, or maybe a loved one. I've seen him at least twice, just sitting in the bushes in front of our house, along with some other cardinals and doves. This morning, I saw him as I went into the powder room. Just sitting. So I've taken to saying "Hi Daddy. I miss you." when I see him. Just seems fitting. When mom passed, I had an encounter in the apartment I was living in. We had a ghost, I'm certain of it. There were SO MANY signs that I eventually would talk to "her" when we were alone, like when I put Biggun down to sleep. I never found out who she was, but shortly after mom died, she woke me up from a rather awful nightmare. I saw a shadowy outline of her face against the blinds, but only for a moment as I was coming out of sleep. In a moment, she was gone. Well, not gone. Just not visible. She comforted me in a moment of fright, and comforted me knowing she was watching over me and my small child. She could have been mom that night, but she'd been there since before mom passed, so I doubted it was mom. She was someone else, but a lady who talked to my toddler and reassured me that we wouldn't be harmed, but that we were being looked after. When we moved, I had trouble sleeping. She wasn't with me anymore.But I'll never forget her, or what she did for me that night. I have felt like that since, when our cat, Leia, died. She died in the house, and we've had moments where we've felt or heard her. She used to jump on the bed with me at night. After she died, she still did a few times. Not as much since the boys were given to me. I think she approves though, because these cats are just as sweet as she was. I think she must have helped me train them in a way.Well, after Daddy's funeral, came B's grandfather. He'd suffered with Alzheimer's for several years, and since Grandma had been gone over a year, he finally joined her. He was a very sweet man, and we'll miss him. I'm sad that my Kraken didn't get to know him more. He didn't really know who she was, as he'd already started getting sick when she arrived. Once his parents split up, we didn't get down there as often as he did with his travel, but they had forgotten who I was, and they'd known me 20 years. How could they recall my girls? At least they're no longer in pain, they are with their loved ones, Grandma probably has her hearing again (maybe she's not so noisy up there? ;op)...Grandpa maybe driving his trucks. That service was FAST... Faster than Grandma's it seemed. Maybe it just seems that way since we drove down and back the same day.
So, after that, B and I vacationed in Colorado, whose mountains have stolen my heart. It let me board the plane without it. I've had those mountains in my brain ever since. We're talking about moving there eventually, though probably not before Kraken finishes elementary school. Also probably not before Biggun moves out on her own. I have my heart set on Colorado Springs, or Manitou Springs, either will be fine with me. For now, I search for work HERE. And we'll be slowly purging the superfluous CRAP that has filled our home for 12 years. Started already, but I wasted a buttload of time. I probably could have had the cars back in the garage if not for my lazy ways. UGH. It'll be done. Not right now with temps in the TEENS. 16* right now, not including wind chill. My feet have been cold ALL DAY LONG. Despite my socks and slippers. Only another day or two of this and then temps will be back in the 70s, which I'm both looking forward to and NOT looking forward to. I hate that winter is so flaky here. We never get a *proper* winter. We get a couple days in the 30s here and there then mostly 40s/50s. The 2 winter storms that were predicted totally passed us over here. Austin and Houston got snow that SHUT SCHOOLS and businesses down. We got a smattering of sleet, which only accumulated in corners. I should be grateful, because the roads were totally clear, but in my heart, I wanted that snow day so I could shut off the alarm and not get up to take Kraken to school. Oh well. I survived. That seat heater is certainly a blessing. Tomorrow (today?) morning will be worse, then the mercury will start climbing again. This overnight and one or two more below freezing before a warm up. Please LORD don't let me get sick. Although, better now than later if I'm offered a job... that would suck ASS to have to postpone starting work because of the flu.
So, I guess I need to go to bed already, seeing as I have an interview in 10 hours. I feel fairly confident, though still a little jittery. Though that might be the temperatures making me shiver. Thanks for letting me ramble....
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